Now, I am a rational person. I consider myself to be a cool mom. I let my kids “be” kids. But, even I have my limits. On our last trip to the zoo, the drink cups came with “special” straws. Well, special to kids, not to adults. I thought it was just a zoo thing, but apparently other places now sell these straws, too. My mother-in-law actually sent some in the mail (we won’t even go there). What’s so unique about these straws, you ask? Well, they whistle. Not a quiet, little chirping noise, but a shrill, jarring one. A sound so annoyingly loud that it could shatter glass. Well, shatter something. Who came up with the idea? Who thought it would be a good idea to give loud little people a tool to make them even louder? Isn’t blowing bubbles in your milk or juice enough to drive any parent insane? Why did they have to go and add such an obnoxious noise to the mix? Don’t they know we already have a perpetual headache?

Let’s write up a pledge for all the non-parents of small children out there. I’ll start, feel free to add your own bits as we go along.

1.    Do not buy any loud or obnoxious toys. If you wouldn’t want them in your house, don’t bring them to ours.

2.    If you choose to ignore rule number one, please be advised that once you have children of your own we will seek out the world’s most irritating toys imaginable and buy you every single one.

3.    If you happen to be a grandparent, we will get out all of our passive-aggressive tendencies by saving the nerve-grating toys that you bought and sending them back to your house with our children to visit. We may even load them up with 1 ½ pounds of sugar before speeding out of the driveway.

OK – rant over. Just know that you have been warned and, if you happen to see one of the offending straws, run. Run far away.