Vince Offer (nee Offer Shlomi) is - or was - one of the most well-recognized infomercial pitchmen on television. Whether you know him as "SlapChop Vince" or "ShamWow Vince," you remember his abrasive dudebro style, his knowing smirk, and his ever-present (and entirely unnecessary) headset.

 

Then in 2009 Vince was arrested in Miami Beach, Florida and charged with felony battery after violently assaulting a prostitute. Vince alleged that the prostitute bit his tongue and wouldn't let go, and that he had to repeatedly punch her in the face in order to free himself.

 

One might doubt that prostitutes go around biting the tongues of their clients (on a non-consensual basis). One might also be skeptical that the best thing to do, when someone is biting your tongue, is to hit them really hard. Wouldn't that only exacerbate the situation, and risk losing a big chunk of your tongue?

 

Worse, Vince's mug shot pictures showed a man in sorry shape indeed. (A man who, one hopes, is wearing hospital garb, and not his own shirt.)

 

Things looked bleak indeed. But in the wee hours of the morning, as I flipped insomniacally through the channels, I witnessed the amazing return of Vince. 

 

Vince is hawking something called the "schticky." Between the name (which is Yiddish slang for something silly, gimmicky, a sales routine, or phony) and its strangely lascivious tone ("Problem with that shedding pussy? Pick up cat hairs from clothes!") I initially thought I had stumbled across a late-night parody show. But no: apparently this is a real thing.

 

You are perhaps familiar with Wacky Wall-Walkers? These were popular toys in the late 80s and early 90s. They were a super-sticky rubber resin, and after using them once or twice, they were inevitably covered with so much fuzz and filth that they had lost all their stick-um. You had to go wash them off in order to get them to stick again.

 

Someone looked at that and thought, "That's a feature, not a bug." And created a mop basically made of Wacky Wall-Walker. You use it to stick stuff. One imagines that you have to rinse this thing, like, constantly. If it fails, I should think it would be a failure of being too good at its job. Who has the time or the inclination to get THAT much lint off their clothes?

 

At least it doesn't require wasteful refills, like some sticky mop cleaning products I could mention (Lola Rola). And I must say, welcome back, Vince! Stop hitting women.