I have texture issues with food. Things that are mushy are a real iffy proposition. Rice pudding, juice with pulp, over-ripe bananas: these are all things that I try to avoid. So you can imagine my horror at encountering an ad for Yonanas, which is a way you can mush up frozen bananas and pretend that it's soft serve ice cream.

 

This is a truly perplexing product. First of all, if you want to freeze bananas and mush them up and pretend that they are soft serve ice cream, by all means, go right ahead. It seems like one of those sad pretend desserts like sugar-free Jell-O or dessert flavored chewing gum, but whatever, it's a free country.

 

I will say, however, that I do not think you need a $70 appliance to do so. Doesn't it seem like you can pretty much mush up frozen bananas on your own? Okay, MAYBE with the help of a blender. Still, though, a $70 appliance solely for the purpose of mushing frozen bananas really does seem like the worst kind of First World privilege.

 

(Also, how big IS your kitchen, anyway? I imagine you would buy this after you had already bought all of the Panini presses, hot dog toasters, and egg slicers you could find.)

 

I also feel sorry for any kid whose parents try to pawn this off as a dessert. Hey kid, I feel for ya. I grew up in the 1970s and 1980s. My mom fed me Tab and carob chips and tried to pretend they were healthy desserts. (Tip: these things are neither healthy nor desserts.)

 

In the end, I was left wondering if this is some weird diet tool. Isn't there a diet where you basically eat ten bananas a day? Being able to mush them into an approximation of soft serve ice cream would probably seem pretty awesome on day 12 of that diet.

 

And it goes without saying that your Yonana frozen banana dessert is still going to be chock full of calories. Each banana has about 100 calories, not counting all the other fruit you toss in there. I know we like to pretend that diets are all about eating the right magic combination of foods, but surely this isn't one of them.

 

Finally, I leave you with this parting thought: imagine soft serve ice cream that goes brown after being exposed to air for a few minutes. I know, right? I'm gagging just thinking about it.