This is an actual thing in the world:

The “Better Marriage Blanket” is supposedly made out of fart-absorbing technology that will prevent your spouse from fainting, choking, or dying from your apparently deadly noxious anal gases. Yes, good sir (or woman), your nether regions are so damn offensive that an actual product has been created to keep the love of your life from divorcing your smelly ass.

On the one hand, what a waste of time and energy. Couldn’t our nation’s prime scientific minds be focusing on something more like, say, a cure for AIDS or global warming rather than a fart cover-upper? And what kinds of signals are they sending out to married couples when they base this technology on the same stuff used to protect soldiers from chemical weapons?

On the other hand… why waste the marketing on married couples alone? Surely other people could use this odor-eater technology. For instance…

Campers could use the blanket when out in the woods. It’s bad enough having to deal with mosquito bites, scorching heat, and whether or not you’ll get as many badges as the kid in Up without having to worry about coughing on your troop leader’s franks and beans stench all night long.

Nursing home workers would surely love to use these revolutionary products. Whether you’re cleaning up Mr. Jacobsen’s bedpan and he captures you in a Dutch oven or you’re working the midnight shift on chili night, you’ll be thankful that your charges are kept snug—and smell-free—beneath these blankets.

Kiddos will be very thankful for the parents that keep these blankets around the house. When Uncle Albert sleeps over and has to share little Jimmy’s room, Jimmy won’t have to worry about puking up his dinner or having violent nightmares while his uncle practically goes number two all over his Buzz Lightyear sheets. Slumber parties will go much more smoothly when “the stinky kid” surreptitiously gets the blanket to sleep with (which will also make him happy, since the regular car air fresheners and boxes of Arm & Hammer he usually has to sleep with make him cry). And if you have a really smelly kid to begin with, don’t even think about letting him leave home without his odor-eating blanket! This will ensure that he gets married and leaves the house before he turns forty.

Truckers will surely be able to sleep easier by getting the blankets as holiday gifts. No more will they be awakened during a midnight pit stop by the smell of their own microwave burrito and six pack coming back to haunt them.