Right now, I am a sucker for anything with Princess Fiona from Shrek on it. I’ve always been a Fiona fan anyway, but since she ended up being even more badass than she was in the original Shrek film in Shrek Forever After—complete with a warrior costume, gear, and awesome Amazonian hair—I totally want her on everything from my folders to my journal, a la seventh grade.

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This is an actual thing in the world:

The “Better Marriage Blanket” is supposedly made out of fart-absorbing technology that will prevent your spouse from fainting, choking, or dying from your apparently deadly noxious anal gases. Yes, good sir (or woman), your nether regions are so damn offensive that an actual product has been created to keep the love of your life from divorcing your smelly ass.

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This video pretty much confirms who the target audience of these wonderful products are: Idiots!

In the earliest days of television, commercials made no pretense toward entertainment value. They consisted of variety show hosts and contractually obligated celebrities staring into a camera with a product in hand, extolling the virtues of the product and the company that made it with nary a hint of fiction to the script. It wasn't long before someone got the idea to frame commercials as miniature shows in and of themselves. From then on, advertising media had two jobs: catch a viewer's fickle attention and then encourage him or her to buy the product. I would argue that this new approach created a third, hidden goal. Not all attention is good attention. In fact, if you annoy your audience, they're likely to change the channel whenever your commercial comes on and maybe they'll even choose to boycott your product just because the ad is irritating.

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There is so much wrong with this commercial! Look, fine, so they are helping folks buy a computer and yes, yes, yes, a computer is relevant and vital in this day and age but … I don't think a downgraded computer for the basic user is what they are going for here.

The ad in question is called Help me to Buy and it is painful to watch.

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I know what you are saying - Oh no, they didn't! Remember that South Park episode, Jarred Has Aides? This is the one where the creators indulge in a humor via wordplay. So everyone thinks Jarred has HIV-related illness whereas what he actually means that he uses supplements to lose weight? Oh boy. It was one of those cringe-worthy ones and I didn't think I would come across something worse than that. And what do you know, I did! That's where this weight loss product called Ayds comes in. I bet the South Park guys were inspired by this ad when they wrote that episode.

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I was innocently watching TV today when I was accosted by, what I took to be, a blatant message of racism. Or was it a clear understanding of a specific demographic? I'm not sure.

Cool Aid

I grew up in Oakland. I'm not sure whether it was my 8th grade history teacher telling me Sidney Poitier wasn't black enough for a biography report in celebration of African American History Month or when the Oakland school board promoted me to tri-lingual with the announcement of 'ebonics', but somewhere I tuned into black culture.

If white people won't let certain black stereotypes die, neither will black people. It was in the back row of biology that I learned from a group of black students that African Americans are rumored to enjoy Cool Aid and grape soda more than their white counterparts.

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Amish "Miracle" Heater?

I just came across the Amish Heaters! Whoa, is this for real? I actually found a number of reviews about it so it seems like the real thing. Apparently some folks bought it, a lot of them really liked it.

Basically it is a fancy Amish mantle which comes with an electric heater … right? Because you don't need a chimney and it is a fireless flame fireplace, right? Er, why do they call it a miracle heater?

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Old Spice

Admittedly, this is not an infomercial. Actually, it is your run of the mill ad about Old Spice, a type of bodywash for men. But look at what a brilliant job they have done. It's cheesy, it's cute and they don't take themselves too seriously. Surely this product sticks in your mind after a memorable ad like this one?

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