The Most Confoundingly Useless Crate & Barrel Kitchen Products

The Most Confoundingly Useless Crate & Barrel Kitchen Products

Dregs of a capitalist society

I'm big on living small. I don't like buying things I don't absolutely need, unless they're concert tickets to a favorite band or something intangible along those lines. I try to keep my food budget to $20 a week. Not only does it cut down my overall expenses, but it reduces my carbon footprint and keeps me saner to boot. I believe consuming for its own sake can be a destructive activity, and I've almost stopped shopping recreationally altogether. So my opinion on novelty home products, as you might imagine, is a little harsh. But Crate & Barrel, one of the annoying gatekeepers of upper-middle class taste, stocks some items that ought to frustrate even the consumer-minded. Here are the biggest offenders. 

 

Egg Crate

What? Why would you need to buy your eggs in a carton, take them out, and put them in a different carton? Unless you're collecting your eggs from the hens that live in your backyard--and let's face it, most Crate & Barrel customers aren't--this half-dozen porcelain container is just a pretentious way to pretty up your fridge. 

Banana Hanger

Did I miss something? Is there a problem with putting bananas on the counter, or even in your precious fruit basket? Does it make them go bad more quickly? Do you just like pretending you're picking them from the trees in the comfort of your over-equipped home? 

Silverware Storage Box

Suddenly drawers aren't good enough. No, we need a "handsome" hundred and thirty dollar box with an "espresso finish" to display the finest of our forks. I get the in-drawer organizers--I have one and I enjoy sorting out the big spoons from the little ones--but a whole seperate box? Maybe it makes sense if you have enough fancy silver that you only break out at your dinner parties for 12, but if your friends are too high and mighty for your daily drawer-stored flatware, they probably aren't very good friends anyway.

Butter Spreader

A device designed exclusively for spreading butter on your corn on the cob. That's it. That's all it does. For people who are above holding butter by its wrapper, we have a tiny stainless steel box. Congrats! Your swanky tastes have been catered to. I bet you didn't even know you needed this; now you see yourself in the hot summer, smearing butter on your corn with a knife or directly from its wax paper, and you realize what a fool you've been. But worry not! It's never too late to mend your errors. You can still buy this thing for only nine dollars. Praise the heavens!

Strawberry Huller

Oh, gosh. Not only does it take the green stuff off your strawberries, it even looks like a strawberry itself. How have I lived so long without one of these on my person at all times? Speaking of strawberries...

Berry Colander

Wow! All this time I'd been rinsing my berries in my regular colander. I bet I looked like an idiot! Thanks, Crate & Barrel, for making a special berry-sized colander just for me. 

Herb Scissors

Here I thought herbs were weak little things. Little did I know you need a five-bladed weapon to defeat them. 

Pasta Measurer

How else will I know how much spaghetti I should eat? (Hint: one pound per four people. Do the rest of the math yourself like a big kid.)

Marshmallow Fork

Because skewers just don't cut it anymore, now we need a specially branded utensil for s'mores. Back in my day, we used sticks foraged from the forest to toast our 'shmallows...

 

I could go on but I have to stop for the sake of my mental health. It just enrages me that there's a market for this kind of stuff. If nothing else, Crate & Barrel's catalogue is a sign that the upper ends of our society have way too much money to spend on the most superfluous crap.