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I Hate The Five Hour Energy Guy

Watching television as I do, mostly on Hulu, you end up seeing the same ads over and over again. 

One run of ads which I can virtually recite by heart is the Five Hour Energy series.  Those other fizzy sugary energy drinks make you fat!  They're for kids!  You, my friend, are mature enough to be drinking Five Hour Energy.

Unfortunately for Five Hour Energy, they chose the most obnoxious spokesman in the history of the form.  Imagine my glee, then, when I saw an ad with a new Five Hour Energy Guy!  Hooray!

Then imagine my shock when I realized that this guy is even worse than the first one!  We all hated the first Five Hour Energy Guy's coy combo move of "cock eyebrows and tilt head" when he said "You know what 2:30 in the afternoon FEELS like, right?"  

But the new Five Hour Energy Guy's read for the line "whatever THAT is" makes me want to grab him by the smug lapels and shake him to death.  


Where do they get these guys?  Are they grown in vats in some vast subterranean compound?  Imagine row upon row of giant glass aquariums growing body blanks of the Five Hour Energy Guy I and II.  There's a row of Mac Guy bodies there, too.  

Prior to Five Hour Energy and the Mac commercials, my most hated ad guy was Dennis Haysbert as The Allstate Guy.  Years ago, long before he was the President of the United States on "24," Dennis Haysbert was the guy who had all his **** together. As the commercial opened, he was dressed in a suit, standing in his kitchen, reading the morning paper while sipping coffee.

The message of the ads was basically, "If you are as perfect and on top of everything in your life as this guy, you should buy Allstate."  The Allstate Guy had a perfect house, and a perfect lawn, and he read the paper every morning, and he had a decent job, and was a sensible driver.  I hated that guy, because those ads made me feel like crap.  

In hindsight, at least The Allstate Guy wasn't trying to rub your nose in how perfect he was.  But man, the Five Hour Energy Guys sure are.  

Which is pretty funny if you think about it, because most experts agree that Five Hour Energy is just a placebo.  Even the ad itself says (in teeny tiny fine print at the bottom) that the drink provides no "caloric energy."  And it only has one cup of coffee's worth of caffeine, plus a lot of herbal bullcrap.  So basically… yeah, placebo.

Even the Five Hour Energy Guy's Twitter stream (which seems to be legit and official) is obnoxious.  HE'S JUST SO PUMPED.  HE LOVES HIS FANS.   I can imagine him frequently pumping his arms in the air and hollering WOOOOOOO!!!!!  Gonna be a good game, bro!  Don't caffeinate me, bro!  WOOOOOOOO!!!

Meanwhile, the new Five Hour Energy Guy is over here telling you with a straight face that the daughter of the owner of the car dealership is really interested in that car you're looking at.  So if you think you want it, you'd better snap it up!