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Accidentally Stumbling into Penis Pumps, Anal Toys, and Prostate Massagers

Let me take a moment here. A moment to be completely honest about how I fell into all of this stuff when I was harmlessly looking for a new vacuum. I need one because my apartment is becoming dog hair heaven - there is hair everywhere! It is in the sink, on the dishes, all over the place - and because I have wood floors it just likes to drift around. The floors are the worst part and the simple broom and dustpan will not cut it anymore - but I won't get into all of that right now.

So I started my search and found a few "stick vacuums" I liked at stores across the internet and then when I was price shopping I saw that drugstore has them as well. Let me tell you: I love, I use them pretty frequently because I always get all of these deals and promotions from them in my email (plus the Ebates and MrRebates cash back!). So I did a harmless search for a vaccum and what did I find - first page - the Doc Johnson Mighty Man Trigger Penis Pump.

Now I must admit it is kind of ironic that I was looking for something to help maintain my wood floors and got a listing to help maintain my, uh, wood - but I was totally shocked. I honestly did not know they had this stuff! This then lead me to find a whole list of other sex toys they offer: Anal toys & prostate massagers, and masturbators, and vibrating rings - oh my! It really opened my eyes to a whole new side of this company I have been shopping at forever and I am intrigued by all of the new stuff.

The best one is still the original one I stumbled upon, the Doc Johnson Mighty Man Trigger Penis Pump. It is just so hilarious to me! I can admit I have been around the block (a few times - I have been around so much they are naming a street in my honor) but I have never actually heard of anyone owning one of these - I thought it was an Austin Powers joke! The listing is where it gets really good though:

Enhance & Unleash! Rise to the Occasion Anytime! 

Single hand operated penis pump.  Soft comfort grip donut.     

* Superior suction with quick release valve     * Clear cylinder & soft sleeve for extra comfort     * Achieving legendary proportions has never come easier!  Phthalate Free ABS 

For warranty information and product registration go to  Sold as a novelty only.  Made in China.  Packaged in USA.  We cannot accept returns due to the nature of the product. 

Warnings: If you have symptoms of erectile dysfunction (i.e., inability to achieve an erection that is sufficient for sexual intercourse), consult your physician prior to using this device to avoid a potentially harmful delay in diagnosing any of the most common causes of this condition, such as Diabetes, Multiple Sclerosis, Cirrhosis of the Liver, Chronic Renal Failure, or Alcoholism.  This pump is not intended for medical use.  It has not been clinically tested not is it approved.  Use of this product is done at your own risk.  This is a recreational device and is not empirically validated.

I don't even know where to start - but did you see there is a warranty? How embarrassing is that call going to be? There is so much to read about before you pump your junk, too - I don't even know what empirically validated means and there are risks involved? What kind of marketing is this?

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't so sheltered - does anyone reading this have one of these so they can explain it to me - or am I going to have to buy one and see what it really does?