January 2011

The Fushigi Magic Gravity Ball

First of all, let's clear something up: the Fushigi Magic Ball only floats in the sense that if you hold something up, it's floating. Like if I stop typing and pick up my computer mouse right now and kind of hold it up in the air? IT FLOATS! IT LEVITATES! Mostly because I am holding it up in the air but LOOK IT'S FLOATING.

Aside from the FLOATING trickery, this is one of the few infomercial products which 100% does what it's intended to do. It's just a pity that they have to keep lying about the FLOATING thing.

The Fushigi people are aiming for a class action lawsuit, if you ask me. The commercial shows the Fushigi ball literally floating over the box! And the box itself (which I scrutinized closely at a Rite Aid earlier this week) repeatedly asserts that the ball floats.

The Forever Lazy: It's A Real Thing

Blankets: worst thing ever, amirite, folks? 

This pair of adult sized fleece pajamas is the latest in a long line of products (Snuggie, et al) designed to save us from the tyranny of the blanket.  Stupid blankets!  Always too long, or too short!  And you can't wrap them around yourself!  Well, wait, you totally can, but not if you're a person in an infomercial, I guess. 

For the person who has given up on life entirely, we present: The Forever Lazy.

I didn't believe it when I first spotted it on Jezebel.  I was convinced it must be a tongue-in-cheek hipster joke, like the joke Snuggie commercial that was ever so much funnier than the original.  But I watched the video, and everything about it said "legit."  From the familiar announcer's voice, to the standard lighting and set design we've come to expect from infomercials.  All signs pointed to "true."

The Wonderfile: A Playmat For Grown Ups

The most poignant thing about the Wonderfile infomercial is how desperately this product is needed.  I don't know what happened to our dreams of a paperless future, but that is just not where life landed us.  Staying on top of all the paper is, in theory, why everyone buys a laptop.  But all that happens is you end up jamming all your paper into your laptop bag, on top of the power cord.

At the same time, Wonderfile addresses this problem in the worst possible way: by wadding it up and stuffing it in a drawer. 

Heat Surge: The Amish Are HOT!

This is a product which started out - as far as I can tell - as a big full-page ad in the Parade section of the Sunday newspaper.  Now it has its very own infomercial!  And the infomercial is SO AWESOME.

(First of all, I realize that this is unfair, but I hate this ad for the font it uses.  It's not Heat Surge's fault that their ad is filled with Copperplate in small caps, and that this happens to be the font which was used extensively on the website of a particularly stupid and annoying ex-boyfriend.  But it's true nevertheless.)

The Heat Surge is - despite their many protestations to the contrary - a space heater with a fancy enclosure.  A $300 space heater with a fancy enclosure.  An enclosure so fancy that it was made by the Amish, by hand, just for you.