June 2011

Perfect Meatloaf: Damning with Faint Praise

I wouldn't go so far as to say that I would actually order this item. But I can definitely see its utility. If I had an infinite supply of money (and kitchen storage) I might actually pick one up. Probably not two, though.

Whoa whoa whoa, let's rein in the enthusiasm! It's sad that the best reaction I've ever had to an infomercial is "That's not entirely useless." But it's true. We're grading on a curve, here.

2011 Gathering of the Juggalos Infomercial

My general rule is that if something tells you that it is something, then it is actually not that thing. Because if it was that thing, it would be self-evident, and there would be no need for it to proclaim it.

For example, you would never see an ad for water that talked about how wet it was. Because you don't need to point out the obvious. For another example, like when your dad explains that he is "cool."

With that context in place, I couldn't help noticing how often this infomercial referred to the upcoming 2011 Gathering of the Juggalso as "hardcore." Maybe this defensive posture is necessary because the gathering also includes less hardcore - but presumably just as entertaining - features like a carnival midway, amusement park rides, inflatable moon bounces, professional wrestling, a comedy stage featuring Brian Posehn, and helicopter rides. Or special guests M.C. Hammer, and George Clinton and the P-Funk All Stars. Awesome? Yes. Hardcore? Um...

Stop Sending Your Ads to My Inbox!

As much as I thought signing up for offers and announcements from local restaurants was a fantastic idea when I first heard about it, I am now finding myself in the position of really, really hating these restaurants. Every week I get announcements from both family-owned and chain restaurants (such as Macaroni Grill, Chilis, and maybe half a dozen others) and when I first opened them, I expected great deals or coupons; instead, all I’ve been getting lately are these stupid ads like “Book your Father’s Day reservation here!” or “Make your reservation today!”

Really, restaurants? Do you really think I want to open up your ads in my email, of all places? I see enough ads everywhere else I look every day—to the point where I’m ready to just do away with TV, radio, and Internet altogether! You are not making me want to come in and spend my money at your establishment—so you can just pay for more ads!—you are instead making me avoid opening your emails.

If you want me to open them, you’d better put your deal—“Special offer inside!” or “Buy 1 Get 1!”—in the subject line. Otherwise, they are going straight to my trash folder instead!

Now for those people who want to get the deals and that’s all, like me, you can search for them online or follow deal blogs. For example, if you are looking for Olive Garden coupons, just search online for “Olive Garden Coupons” and you will likely find some that you can print right away.

One of my favorite food deal sites is Restaurant Deals and Coupons, where you can directly print off daily deals for chain restaurants near you. Eat Drink Deals is another wonderful website where you can find good deals, as well as short explanations about them that can also be helpful (such as restrictions, or if special rules apply).

Feel free to share other great restaurant discounts below.

The 7 Best of the Worst Cat Products!

Toxoplasmosis has never been so fashionable!

Do you have an unruly little monster running around you house? Maybe its time look at some of the new, fashionable, fun options for that hairy Toxoplasmosis factory. Perhaps some of the following products will help you keep your sanity - and your cat keep all nine of those lives:

Lined Cat Muzzle ... this little number is great when actually trying to get your cat to go insane and kill the whole family. Especially that lying bitch wife who said you were the only one. Really Jennifer? How else did I get genital herpes then? A toilet seat? Your stupid bi... It also available in a more feminine (and flattering) pink.

This Quick Muzzle For Cats is perfect for keeping kitty from quickly clawing off your face, seeing, and breathing ... while adding a little extra something to the Wild West theme of your sprawling McMansion.

This Feline Nylon Muzzle is great when you want to take a peek at those pearly whites - without your sweet baby chewing off your fingernails. Also helps keep to keep fluffys little eyes closed while playing Piñata.

Feline Restraint Bag- the title really says it all... but in case it doesn't, this great little bag will show your cat who is boss when they decide not to eat their food or suffocate the baby while everyone sleeps.

Need a break from it all? Just place your feline friend in this Cat Sack, for a quick vacation - for you and your pet.

Having a cat can be quite a chore but if you get this Klaw Kontrol Groom and Care Pet Bag your life can be easy again... like it was when you were in high school and didn't have to take a pill everyday to keep your genital herpes from coming back. Your little furball can wear it around the house for fun or you can use the handles to carry that little spawn of Satan around - wherever you go!

Grooming your cat is the worst, right? Blood and hair gets everywhere! Am I right? Well, not anymore if you get this Cat Grooming Bag. It will keep the hair and blood out of your eyes while you groom your little friend and your cat will feel like it is on top of the world (in a bag on top of the world, anyway).

Lindsey Lohan attempts to save career with "art" video

Remember when Lindsay Lohan used to be a real actress?  No?  Nobody else seems to remember it, either.  But she used to be good—plucky and cute, her facial expressions sincere, not quite as exaggerated as the starlets’ of her generation. She used to be the starlet everybody loved—the next Lucille Ball—she played a lovable set of twins in the Parent Trap and a relatable (but more attractive than average) nerd in Mean Girls.

The Most Egregious Home Decor from Urban Outfitters

These apartment ornaments demonstrate everything wrong with America today
Ah, Urban Outfitters. You bastion of tacky hipster crap. You're proof that white Republican dudes can get rich by selling prepackaged rebellion to an easily manipulated youth. The irony is enough to make any hipster blush. 
Sure, you sell some cute clothes. I'll give you that. A decent fraction of my wardrobe comes from your sale racks.