September 2011

My Booty Belt: Now With A $5 "You're Stupid" Fee!

It seems there is an endless parade of infomercials and "As Seen On TV" products dedicated to making ill-fitting clothing fit better. It makes you wonder, how much money are you really saving if you buy cheap-ass clothes at Walmart that don't really fit your body, then buy a bunch of aftermarket products to help make your formerly-cheap clothes fit? Why not just pay more at a real clothing store for clothes that fit right in the first place? Or have them tailored?
But ours is not to question why. Ours is to point out that this big black slab of elastic is a terrible product. Let me count the ways:

Bumpits: A Perplexing Fashion Plague

I can make an easy prediction: twenty years from now, when people look back at the 2010s, Bumpits will be one of the things they mock. This is an easy prediction because A) they are just so mockable, and B) we are already mocking them. Who decided that the bouffant hairstyle should make a comeback, anyway? Who's in charge of that kind of thing?
If you're bored with flat regular hair, and with all the hairspray it takes to make your hair really big, and yet you have this senseless craving for really tall hair - like Peggy Bundy or Peggy Hill tall - and what is it with women named "Peggy" sporting the bouffant ? - Then Bumpits are the cheap plastic widget for you!

Big Top: Giant ****ing Baked Goods

The Big Top company is really putting the "big" back into American desserts. For too long we have had to suffer through hand-sized doughnuts, cupcakes, and other baked goods! For pity's sake, we're starving out here! Luckily, Big Top is here to save the day with their line of "giant ****ing cake pans."
1. Giant ****ing Cupcakes
Curse those tiny cupcakes! WHY ARE THEY SO HARD TO FROST. So… unimpressive in stature. LET'S MAKE A GIANT ONE. Plus you can, um, fill it. So there's that.

Infomercial Trends: Dirty Floors And Fat Guts

Infomercials tend to go in trends. For the longest time in the mid to late 1990s, the trend was all about gadgets to work your abs. Get a six pack in five easy minutes a day with the Ab Swirler!
These days, there are two major trends: Dirty Floors and Fat Guts.
1. Dirty Floors
How many gadgets do you need to clean your house? Our forebears made do with a broom, a mop, and a bucket of Pine-Sol. In later years, the vacuum cleaner was a big help. But these days, that is just not enough!

What would you do with your last $20?

Here’s the scenario. You live where you live right now and you have until the end to live there, but you’ve lost your job. Your pantry and refrigerator are empty. You have all the furniture and decorations in your home, but you aren’t able to sell them. Your car works, but you don’t need to put gas into it because you haven’t got anywhere to go. You’re looking for work, but your clothes are still nice from your previous employment and you still have all the toiletries left in your house.

The time has come that you’ve almost spent your savings down to the nub. You helped your mother with her busted water heater and took your boyfriend out for dinner. If you only had $20 and you didn’t know where your next payment was coming from, what are the four things you would do with your last $20?